Losing my Identity on my Layover: Who am I, and where did my old self go? {Part A}

Living overseas gives us an opportunity to build a pretty cool identity!

Maybe we got to…

….travel to exotic places {even if it didn’t feel exotic to you}.

…work on solving real life and death issues on a daily basis.

…always have crazy stories to tell about this week’s adventures.

Whatever your identity looked like in another country…it was different.  It was probably exciting some days.  It was probably confusing some days. {you’re not quite a foreigner and you’re not quite a North American anymore}.

But what I didn’t realize {or at least gave zero thought to} before moving back to the US, is that somewhere on your travels back to the US you lose that identity you have formulated…and no one gives you anything to replace it with!

So there I was…standing in the airport with 3 suitcases to represent the last 3 years of my life…moving back to the US.  With no idea who I was…

I had just lost…

….my home

….my city

….my job

…my occupation {no longer an expat working in ministry}

…my friends {or at least they were very far away}

…my church community in my last country

…my coworkers

and for me…the thing that was supposed to be my “stability” when all else fails…my faith…was teetering on the edge of being lost too.

Re-entry is a season of rebuilding your identity.  I feel like sometimes its a return to Jr High {I know…who wants to relive that part of your life}.   You have no idea who you are, who you want to be, or what is cool {or not cool}.

And so you start trying things on…

…the only problem is that even little decisions are a major identity crisis.

I remember sometime in the first month being totally confused about what radio station to listen to.  One minute I liked the Latin station {it was in Spanish which I missed but it wasn’t really Spanish music I listened to when I lived overseas}.  The next minute I would flip to the country station {because despite my longtime dislike of country music it resonated with my confused and brokenhearted emotions}.  And then the Christian station {because that was supposed to help right…but in my case it only made me more confused and angry}.  And the NPR {because at least they talked about things that were happening in the world.}  And before long…I was worn out from stressing over what to listen to on the radio for a ten minute car ride.  All because I really couldn’t make sense of who I was or who I wanted to be.

I did this in lots of areas of my life…

I thought about new careers.  New jobs.  Trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life.

I explored options for going back to school.

I tried new churches.  Looking for someone to tell me who I should be.

I almost bought a International Harvester 1940’s pickup truck as my vehicle in one of my identity confusion moments {until I realized it might not be so practical to drive in winter…and for a lot of other reasons}.

I stressed over where to live.  In the cheaper apartment in the nicer neighborhood {but what will people think of me for living there} or the old house in the rural town {with zero insulation and a nice heat bill} where I thought maybe I was supposed to live intentionally even though I never talked to my neighbors.

I had an identity crisis in my pantry too.  My roommates boyfriend at one point commented on my food stash “Ruthie, you do realize we are in the US right?” Because most of the food boxes weren’t in English.  I cooked Thai food one night, Mexican the next, Indian the next.  {It was rarely American food…but also not all food from my former country.}

The point is…every area of my life seemed like it required a decision of who I wanted to be, what kind of person I wanted to be…and it was frankly exhausting and overwhelming.

So…what do we do with this identity crisis?  We can joke about the little things {ultimately I think it’s fine if you want to have cuisine from a different country each night}, but the bigger, deeper parts of loosing our identity are REALLY REALLY hard!  This struggle is one that leads to lots of sleepless nights, tears, and stress.

Loosing your identity is also a lonely road because if you don’t know who you are…it’s hard to invite others to be a part of your life.  And it’s often hard to explain what we’re struggling with because we don’t even fully understand it ourselves.

I wish there was a quick fix for the identity crisis…but there isn’t.  I think this is the real reason re-entry is so hard.  It requires us to rebuild who we are from the inside out.  It’s not just the outward things. Sometimes living overseas brings out the best and worst in who we are.  And we aren’t sure we like who we are…or who we were…or have any idea who we want to become.

So…how have you rebuilt your identity?  In the next post, we’ll talk about some of the things that helped me…but what has been helpful to you?

Read Part B of this post here:  Rebuilding your Identity in Re-entry {What Helped}