Advent: Expectations & Reentry

Advent.  Until last year, that word for me brought childhood memories of trying to make the candles stand up in the fake wreath on our kitchen table.  Then someone introduced me to the idea that Advent is the season of expecting!

I’ve been thinking about Advent and Reentry because the move back to the USA is often full of all sorts of expectations.  Then we get to the holidays, and it’s a lot to take in!  Life can already feel out of control, and now we’re trying to navigate a holiday infused with family, traditions, culture, and societal expectations.

Sometimes realistic expectations help.  So, here it is.  My list of realistic expectations for navigating the holiday season during reentry.  Not all of these will apply to everyone {or maybe none of them for some people}, but perhaps you will find that some are true for you…

Expect to feel overwealmed.

It’s a lot to take in…all of the things we are supposed to “do” in the month of December.  Trees to decorate, parties to attend, neighborhood things to go to, family dynamics to navigate, church activities to participate in, and well…if there’s more then one person in your family…multiple that by a few.  It’s exhausting even if we aren’t dealing with reverse culture shock {even if your non-expat friends make it look simply…I bet if you ask them they’ll tell you another story}.

Expect not to know how to do Christmas the USA way.  After all you haven’t done it in a while, and maybe you’ll feel a little awkward because you don’t know what the current protocol is for gift giving or what the current USA definition of being a good “parent” at Christmas looks like {my mom friends tell me it changes}.  So this is our permission to feel a bit overwealmed this holidays season, and permission to not have all the answers on how to celebrate the right way.

Expect to feel like you’re living in a fog.

Maybe you already feel like there’s a permanent haze clouding your thinking, your decisions, your everyday life.  If not…it may show up at the holidays.  It may feel like your living them, but not really experiencing them.  I felt a lot like my emotions had been turned off, and I was just coasting.  I think it’s a coping mechanism our bodies use…eventually the fog lifts…maybe next Christmas will be less foggy.  Here is permission to live in the fog while it lasts.

Expect to be excited about little things that no one else seems to care about.

You may feel like you’re living in a fog, but there may also be little things that are so exciting.  Things that those around you may find just “normal.”  I don’t know what it will be for you.  Maybe the family cinnamon rolls you weren’t able to get overseas for Christmas morning breakfast or actually getting to go to family party {and not just be skyped in}.  There is a part of reentry that gives us this childlike wonder.  Here is permission to experience things this year for the first time in a very long time.

Expect not to understand the reason for the consumerism. 

In the US these days, consumerism and Christmas fell like one and the same.  And if we’ve just returned from a place of encountering dire need on a daily basis then we just aren’t going to connect with the crazy drive the US culture seems to have for more stuff.  We may not feel like shopping for gifts.  We may not feel like receiving gifts.  We may even feel guilty for living in a place where getting stuff seems to sometimes be the reason for the season.

My good friend says reverse culture shock should be defined as “When you go into a Walmart, and it makes you want to hurt someone”  Of course she’s not advocating hurting anyone {there are healthier ways to process these feelings of frustration}, but this illustrates the fact that there is a part of reverse culture shock that makes us feel emotions we don’t normally feel.  Sometimes Christmas can intensify those feelings.

This is permission to give yourself some grace.  You may not understand all the people around you this holiday season {or at least not their focus on gifts}. You may feel angry or guilty or overwhelmed.  Maybe go to the mall less, and make gift giving simple this year.  My first year back to the US, everyone on my list got a Starbucks gift card {yes, every single person, even the people who didn’t like coffee} because I couldn’t handle any more decisions.  So, if one stop shopping is what you need this year…do it.  There will be other years…and it’s OK not to be everything you feel pressured to be.

Expect family to not know how to react to you.

Christmas events may be the first time you’ve seen someone in four years, and this can bring an awkward dynamic where they don’t seem to get you and you don’t understand them.  The reality is they just haven’t lived your life…and you haven’t lived theirs.  I remember welling up with emotions at strange times, sharing stories from Christmas seasons overseas, talking about how the transition to the US has been, and being met  by confused looks or an attempt to change the subject.   Here is permission to just sit back and be with your family this Christmas without the expectation for deep connection.  …and next holiday it will most likely be easier.

Expect to answer the same questions…a lot!

“How was your trip?”  “When are you going back?”  “What are you going to do know?”  “What happened?”  The holidays bring all sorts of gatherings with people you see only occasionally, and in trying to connect they often ask the above or similar questions.  What they are really saying is how is your life?  how are you doing?, but the way they express it is by asking about your past or future.  Often in reentry you are still trying to make sense of the past {sometimes its a bit messy thus you are in the US} and you may have no idea what you are doing in the future.  Every casual conversation turns into a reminder of your current overwealmed emotions and lack of identity.  This is hard!  This is permission to come up with a one sentence answer to those questions.  It’s OK to not have a long explanation.  Here is permission to say I don’t know when they ask about the future.  Here is permission to give yourself grace that you don’t have either the past or the future completely figured out.

Expect to wonder why you don’t feel like God has come to meet you in your current situation.

Advent is the season of God with Us.  But sometimes in reentry it can feel like that’s the farthest from the truth.  Everyone’s experience is different, but my first Christmas back I was wondering if God had come to save the world…all except mine.  It was a season of wandering in the dessert of confusion and doubt.  A season of wishing for hope and feeling very much the opposite.  The thing I realize looking back is that in seasons of grief, he is still God with Us, but His way of being present may feel a lot like absence.  This is permission to bring your current feelings and reality to the manger this year.  If it seems like this baby isn’t big enough to handle your current reality…then be honest with Him about that.  He will be blessed by your honesty and willingness to pursue relationship in the midst of confusion.

Expect to find yourself remembering Christmas’ past in strange places.

It’s gonna happen.  You’ll be at a holiday function and it will trigger a memory…of that time you went to that holiday event in your former country.  You’ll find a whole string of emotions coming back and begin to share the stories with friends.  You’ll remember traditions you’ve had in years past, and try to figure out how to celebrate them in your new home.  My poor roommates have been dragged to various international grocery stories in search of ingredients to make something I’m missing from holidays overseas.  Here is permission to  celebrate and remember.  Sometimes your friends will think your stories are strange.  Sometimes they will look very uninterested.  Sometimes they will not want to try the strange food that means so much to you.  But that’s OK.  Do it for you, and for your immediate family if you have one.  And…find a few good friends who loves adventure and will celebrate your international traditions.

Expect to cry over the most random things…it’s called grief.

This one is hard.  For many of us, the reentry season is a season of grief.  We’ve just given up a lot – our whole life really – and our identity and with that comes a lot of grief.  Tears seem to go with grief.  Random tears in random places for reasons you didn’t expect.  Here is permission to let the tears come when they do.  It’s normal.  It won’t be this bad next year.  It’s just a part of the grief and reentry journey.

Expect to survive and live to talk about it! 

I’m going to tell you a secret.  Some years, I think we’re just meant to survive the holidays.  Maybe they aren’t meant to be perfect this year {not even sure what that means. On second thought, maybe they aren’t ever supposed to be perfect.}  Maybe this will be a holiday season where hard is the word you will use to describe it.  But…maybe we are in good company.  I think Mary and Joseph would have used “hard” not “perfect” to describe their first advent season.  This is permission to be who you are in this moment in this season.  Permission to have a goal of just surviving this holiday season.