The last couple months I’ve chatted with a half a dozen friends who are preparing for their reentry or are just beginning to find themselves navigating the unfamiliar familiar of the USA. Every time I talk to someone about to make this transition, I’m transported back to my return ten years ago and think about what I wish I had known. Here are some of things I feel like it helps to consider:
- The adventure is not over. Just as it was a big change to move overseas…and your days living abroad were filled with lots of adrenaline charged moments…it will also be a big transition to move back. Even if you are returning to life in the same part of the country or to the same job or to the same friends, re-entry will involve exploring another new culture {the little corner of the US you are transitions to} through the lenses of your overseas experiences. You can set yourself up for frustrations if you think things will go back to being like they were before…you are not the same person so even if you are returning to the same place…you will most likely not interact with that same place and people in the same way. That’s not bad…it’s just a reality it’s good to be mentally prepared for.
- Do some journaling, processing, introspection before you return as to how your overseas experiences might have changed you. Everyone processes differently. There are workbooks and questions and studies…or some people just need time with a journal or to listen to some reflective music. Being self aware can go a long way in helping you transition because if you don’t know what you are feeling and what you need, it’s unlikely that those around you will be able to make sense of it for you.
- Give some thought to debriefing…and what that might look like for you. The quote “I did not feel fully at home until I told my story” is so true. One of the necessary parts of being able to assimilate back into a new {or former} home is to be able to talk about your overseas adventures {both positive and challenging} with a few people who really listen and validate your experiences. ie. debriefing. Debriefing can take many formats….it can be a formal program or a very informal coffee with a few close friends willing to listen. It can be one on one setting like working with a therapist or life coach or more community setting like joining a support group or community group or an online Skype group or webinar of people who have lived overseas. The goal is to be intentional about doing something. Very rarely does debriefing happen without some intentionality. It often requires an investment of time, finances, vulnerability…making it easy to not make it a top priority. Debriefing is also typically not a one time and done thing. Our stories have multiple layers…and over time we process them in lots of different settings. The important thing is to be intentional now about thinking about what debriefing might look like for you {whether formal or informal} and plan steps to make that happen when you are on the field can be important. You may not have a complete plan in place before you move back, but give some thought to this. And don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. Sometimes the best investment we can make is time and finances into our own personal growth and health. It is not selfish to be intentional about debriefing. This can also mean begin now to cultivate friendships in the place you are moving to with a few people who have lived overseas. Be intentional about scheduling things with those support people early in your time. A word about formal debriefing: it can be tempting to want to schedule debriefing for right after you return to the US, but actually it can be much more helpful after you’ve had a chance to settle and process some things. Especially if you have been overseas for a long period of time, scheduling some debriefing for six months after your return is plenty soon enough. You can find some debriefing programs listed here.
- Familiarize yourself with some of the common things people experience in re-entry. These two posts are a good overview I think: 8 Things I wish I Knew, Themes from a Mini Reentry) Reading books on this topic can also be helpful {list here}. Everyone has a different experience, but if you are familiar with some of the classic components of re-entry it won’t necessarily allow you to jump over the process, but you’ll be able to recognize that there’s not something wrong with you in the midst of the process.
- Give yourself time. Live into the process. There is no magic formula that is going to allow you to adapt overnight to your new home. It can be tempting to think when you are in the process of moving back that if you do certain things you will be able to adjust more quickly. The reality is that processing, grieving, building a new identity…these things take a while. So…if you expect it to take a while {like at least as long as you lived internationally} to feel at home again in your new home…you won’t be frustrated when it does.
- Expect relationships {especially if you are returning to the place you left} to be different then they were before you lived overseas. Some will weather the transition well, some may not…but it will be different then before you lived overseas.
- Don’t worry to much about loosing who you’ve become overseas or adapting too quickly back to the US. I remember worrying a lot that I would become a “normal American” and would not value some of the things that I did when I lived overseas. You are not the same person you were before you moved overseas…a lot of these things are now a part of who you are. So don’t worry too much…it’s not that easy to unlearn everything you have learned.
- Say goodbye well. As much as possible, take some time to begin to grieve and say goodbye to what you are leaving before you leave your overseas location. Sometimes it’s not possible to resolve things before you leave the field, but as you are able…a sense of closure and saying goodbye well can help with the transition.
- Don’t let shame or guilt or fear paralyze you. These emotions can be so strong in re-entry...you can read here a bit more about my journey with this.
- Grace. Lots and lots of grace for yourself and those around you. If you are a person who is typically more critical of yourself then others…then do whatever you can to build self-compassion into your life towards yourself. If you are someone who is typically more critical of those around you, then finding ways to cultivate empathy towards those around you….it can be so easy to judge and be critical in re-entry.
- Develop a short term plan…and then hold the plan loosely. Putting a few logistical details in place can help make the transition smoother. Things like…where will I live, job. Set small realistic goals. In the first week, I’d like to be able to have gone to the grocery store once. In the first month, I would have like to find a short term place to live. If you have an idea that you need to be able to figure out the rest of your life within the first month of your return, you are going to be very quickly frustrated. It’s good to set realistic small goals…so you can feel a sense of accomplishment and moving forward, but the key here is not to try to figure it all out at once. It’s OK to make your goal for finding a new church one year after you return. That doesn’t mean you won’t look for a church before then…but you recognize that this may take a while. Take whatever time frame you give yourself to get things done and double it. If you think you will find a house in 3 months, give yourself 6. If you think you will find a job you love in a month give yourself two. It almost always takes longer then we think it will.
Hopefully you will find some of these thoughts helpful as you prepare to return.
