We’ve talked about how church can be complicated in re-entry for many people…
I feel like as I’ve talked with people about re-entry over the past 8 years, church is the number one theme that they seem to ask about. There is a lot of pain and emotion surrounding the topic of church for some of us…
This week I thought I’d share some of thoughts about church {in no particular order} that may or may not relate to your situation as I’ve noticed them in my life and in others’ lives over these last eight year.
There is no magic bullet to make church a great experience all the time! Sorry, if you we’re hoping I could tell you the secret, I really don’t know one. But…there do seem to be some themes. Things I’ve seen in my life, and observed in others. And maybe these will be helpful as you process your own church experience.
You are probably going to feel awkward in church no matter where you go for a while. It’s part of reverse culture shock. You may just be out of practice on how to “do” church in the US because you haven’t done it in a while. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean it may feel awkward for a while. So just because you feel awkward doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “church’s fault.”
Church is hard for those who aren’t in re-entry too. Just last night I was at a dinner of young adults many of whom were sharing about their challenges of finding a church that was the right fit for them. It can be easy to blame it all on re-entry, and feel like if we hadn’t moved overseas this might not be so hard, but it may be that we all go through seasons where finding a church community is challenging.
You are now learning to navigate church as a post-expat. Which means that the bulk of your interactions with people probably won’t focus on questions about your work overseas. If you’re most recent experiences with church in the states have been on home assignment or furlough, you may find that this feels different {at least after the initial month or so}. You are no longer operating from the “celebrity” status of a cross cultural worker. Which can be refreshing…and it can also leave you in a place of not remember how to relate to people outside of that context.
It may seem like you can’t connect with God in the same way you did when you lived in the US before. You are not the same person you were when you moved overseas…and that includes your spirituality. Hopefully you are at a different place with God then you were when you left…and with that most likely brings new things that are helpful to you in your spiritual journey. So…you may find that this affects your church experience too. Maybe before you loved worship on Sundays and now you aren’t sure if you can authentically sing some of the songs. Maybe you loved a certain type sermon before and now it just doesn’t connect with where you are. That’s OK. The key is explore what is helpful to you in your spiritual journey in this season of your life…and pursue that!
Community is the important component. Look for smaller contexts within the community where you can connect with people in a real way. This looks different in every place and in every season of your life, but for most people in re-entry what they really need is community not another sermon on Sunday morning {not that sermons are bad, but lets face it you probably don’t need more knowledge right now…you probably need friends who will love you and care about you}. So…look for a place where you can connect with people who you have something in common with. Sometimes this is with a group that enjoys volunteering in the community, sometimes this is with a small group, sometimes its connecting with people who have lived overseas, sometimes its in a recovery or support group, sometimes its in the context of a cup of coffee with a few people you connect with. Generally I find that if you look for the people who are open about their struggles or the people who have a global heart…there you will find some people to start connecting with. But whatever it looks like…look for places where you can start to connect with people. Take baby steps. It probably wont be the first group you join or the first thing you attend. It probably wont even be the second, but eventually if you keep trying…you might find some people to connect with.
Give yourself permission to take a break from serving if you need it. Everyone is at a different place, but if you are struggling with burnout or just tired, it’s OK to just go to church and be involved in community for a while without jumping into serving right away. If you are really passionate about something and want to be involved, great! Go do it. But if you are not feeling it, it is OK to say no! You may be asked to do things that you just aren’t ready for. It is OK to say no. Eventually something will come along that is a good fit for you, and you’ll know that it’s your thing!
Church experiences can trigger emotions! Emotions of grief, of joy, of relief, of anger. Reentry is a season where we are very busy, and very tired…and sometimes church is the place where we slow down enough to begin to process some of what’s going on inside of us. That’s not necessarily a bad thing…it just can make church more challenging.
For those finding a new church {or wondering if they should}:
You may be tempted to find a church that will give you an identity. Re-entry is a season where you are trying to figure out who you are all over again. And that is work…lots of work! It can be easy to wish that someone or something would just tell you who you are. I found that I did this with church for a while too {subconsciously of course…I didn’t realize what I was doing until looking back}. I was searching for a church that felt like who I wanted to be. The challenge was I didn’t yet know who I wanted to be completely. And so I just kept looking…and being frustrated by the process. Church is a great thing, but it won’t give you an identity {and it’s actually a kinda dangerous thing if it does tell you who you should be.} The best churches are places were you feel like you can be you…with all of who you are…and they give you space to figure out who that is.
Recognize that every church has it’s own culture. And so there’s going to be some culture shock no matter what church you go to. There will be things you like. Things you don’t. You will never find a church that is 100% you (or even 80% you). I found it helpful to spend a minute analyzing the culture of the church. Not in a judgmental way, but in a let me understand why they choose to operate this way. It helped me have grace for the things that I didn’t completely like or understand. It helped me be able to identify what values were important to that church culture and whether I could live with those values. It helped me to see that just like living overseas…there are some things you have to adapt to in any culture. The important thing is to find a culture where you can still be yourself.
A season of spiritual dryness can sometimes be a part of re-entry so be careful of the thought pattern that if you find a perfect church you will be able to connect with God better. Of course you need to find a church which you feel moves you towards God and not away, but sometimes there are deeper spiritual things going on inside of you that finding the perfect church won’t fix. Give yourself time to process through these things.
Look for an emotionally healthy church. A church where you can feel safe. A church where people are authentic. A church where you don’t have to have it all together. A church that welcomes mystery and encourages you to pursue growth in ways that are helpful to you. I found reading Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero helpful to me.
Church may not be the place you connect with God the most right now…but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go. Along those same lines, you may find that your spiritual growth happens in spaces outside of Sunday morning for a while {this is different for everyone, but for those who it applies too I think it’s helpful to mention}. That is OK.
Trust that God can show up in any context…you don’t have to find the perfect church in order for you to connect with God. For a while I think I worried that there was a right church for me or that I wasn’t hearing God’s voice about what to do next with my life because I wasn’t in the right community. But when I just finally picked a community to be a part of {I gave it some thought…but I gave up on the idea of it being the perfect one}…I was pleasantly surprised that God showed up for me there. Not every Sunday, not in every activity, not in every interaction I had with someone from the church, but over time…He continued to speak gradually the truths I needed to hear through that community.
Sometimes there are extenuating circumstance that make church complicated. If you have had a complicated experience on the field, sometimes our anxiety or PTSD can be triggered by church or ministry contexts for a while. It makes it complicated to go to church if everything in you just wants to run for the nearest exit. If for you this is a reality, then I would say…give yourself time. Sometimes it helps to go to a church where no one knows you. Enjoy being anonymous for a time. Sometimes it helped me to go to a church with a totally different style of worship then I was used to. The biggest thing to remember is sometimes you just have to give it time. Baby steps are OK!
So….as we consider this question of church, I would encourage you to ask yourself…what kind of church do I need right now? Do I need a place to be reminded of God’s love? Do I need community? This will help you pick a church that’s a good fit for where you are at right now. It may feel selfish to do that, but it’s OK to do it! It will help you find a place where you can pursue growth which is what God wants.
