For the Middle Years of Re-entry

The other day I ran into a friend who is three years into re-entry after one year living overseas.

And she said what I’ve heard many times before…

“It’s still hard!”

“I thought I’d be over this by now.”

“I just don’t know how to get out of this place.”

“Life is just not very exciting right now.”

And my heart was sad because I remember those “middle years” of re-entry.

In my unprofessional observation, re-entry has three phases:  the initial shock, the middle years, and the starting to feel resettled phase.  For me, the “middle years” phase was the hardest and the one that caught me most off guard.  I had expected the initial re-entry shock and of course I thought I’d eventually feel settled again, but I wasn’t prepared for the time in the middle.

the “Middle Years”…

…the season after the newness wears off.

…the season after we’ve got the basic logistics figured out and have a new routine.

…the season when we have a bit more energy for life.

…the season after people stop asking about our life overseas {or our new friends don’t even know we lived abroad}.

…the season when people assume we’ve adjusted, and we wonder why we don’t feel that way.

…the season life is less exciting without the adventures of life overseas and initial re-entry.

…the season of realizing there’s not a next thing to look forward to {we’re not going to take a trip for a while}.

…the season we ask ourselves is this all there is to life after living overseas?

…the season we wonder if  we are the only people who feel this way.

…the season the emotions inside of us aren’t easily quieted.

…the season we wonder if we’re doing re-entry wrong to feel this way.

…the season we just wish we could figure out how to move forward.

…the season we wonder if we made the right choice to move home.

….the season we wonder if moving somewhere else again would help us feel better.

…the season where it takes effort to keep persevering in the day to day routine.

…the season we wonder are my efforts towards growth and healing paying off?

…the season we wonder what to do with the rest of our life.

…the season we wonder if we will feel this way forever {or how long will this season last}.

The “Middle Years” look different for everyone, and there’s no rule about how long they will last.  For some this middle season lasts for six months, for others it’s years 3 and 4 after moving back, others are still in the “Middle Years” 8 or 10 years after transitioning.  There is no right or wrong length.  I do think there can be factors that influence why it’s different for all of us {length of time on the field, type of transition, etc}, but short or long we all walk through this season at our own pace.

Today I wanted to write some encouragement to those in the “Middle Years”.  Much effort in re-entry can focus on  helping people make the initial transition, but sometimes in the “middle years” we can feel quite forgotten.

A little encouragement for those who are finding themselves in the “Middle Years”.

These years require courage!  Sometimes I think it takes more courage to live out our day to day unexciting routine in the US than it does to move half way across the world.  Today I want to celebrate your courage!  You are doing a beautiful thing each day to wake up and keep taking courageous steps forward.  Your courageous steps are not wasted.  Please keep taking them.  Steps to try new things.  Steps to keep trying to make new friends.  Steps to pick up a new hobby.  Steps to pursue growth.  Steps to invest in your kids, your marriage, your community.  Steps towards volunteering in areas that you think you might enjoy.  Steps to pursue whatever helps you experience emotional rest and restoration.  Thanks for being brave!  I salute your courage today!  It is not easy, but your courage in these middle years…will eventually pay off.

It’s worth the investment in friendships.  Even if it feels like the 20th time you’ve tried to make a new friend, please take the courageous step to to try again!  I know it is exhausting.  I know some of your last attempts have not gone so well.  I know it’s tempting to just not try.  But I have found it life restoring to eventually make good friends in my new home, and I want that for you too.  If you’ve already found those people great!  If not, hang in there and keep making little daily investments in friendship.  Someone told me about a quote this week that went something like “I had not fully come home until someone had heard my story”.  That is why I wish friendship for you…because in the context of healthy friendships our stories are heard, and we can finally feel at home.

“No one understands.”  It can feel like there is no one around who understands how we feel.  It’s true.  No one has lived our life as an expat in our particular capacity and country.  Most people have never lived through re-entry and can’t grasp why we are still trying to remember to flush the TP.  Re-entry can be lonely, but you are not the only one who feels like this!

There is truth in “no one understands,” but believing that too deeply can only intensify our loneliness.  It can keep us from connecting.  Because people don’t understand all of our life overseas or in re-entry we can falsely believe that we don’t have common struggles or seasons in our lives.  Here is a trick I learned in the middle years:  look for friends who have commonalities in life’s seasons and struggles and invest time and energy in getting to know those people.  On the surface we may have little in common with our new neighbors in suburbia, but when I looked a little deeper there were aspects of my life others could relate to.  I found those who had walked through grief and could understand what that was like.  I found others who were living through transition.  Others who’d wrestled with doubt.  Others who had been disillusioned by life.  Others who’ve had dreams shattered.  Others who had lived overseas in some capacity.  Others who had similar hobbies.  Others who were new to town. Others who enjoyed international restaurants.  Others who were lonely and wanted friendship.  Here is permission to reverence the individuality of your story {their is beauty in the fact that no one understands exactly what it feels like to be you} and encouragement to recognize the similarities you have with others and to have the courage to reach out.

Companionship not Comparison:  if you’re Middle Years are different from someone else, it does not mean you are doing re-entry wrong!  It is healthy to reverence our own re-entry journeys.  Companionship from others who’ve been in this place is helpful.  Comparing our stories to theirs is not.   So here is permission today to not put expectations on yourself based on others experiences.  Your journey will be unique, and that is the beauty of life.

When you feel stuck.

Sometimes in the middle years we just feel stuck.  We know we don’t like this season, but don’t really know how to get out of this place.  Sometimes there is not much you can do to move forward in re-entry except to let time run it’s course.  We can’t hurry this thing along.  So…here is permission to know that just because you feel stuck does not mean you are doing something wrong!  Sometimes we just have to live through seasons.

That being said, I noticed I had some tendencies when I was feeling stuck.  I list them for you…as a gift to know that they are normal feelings when you feel stuck {and a freedom to not walk down these rabbit trails}.

When we feel stuck…it can be easy to think it is something or someone’s fault we feel this way.  I don’t know how much energy I used up feeling like if I could just get a circumstance or a person or part of my past to change then I would not feel this way.  When we make something else the “reason” for our problem, then the solution can only come from something else.  And…it can add to the feeling of being stuck.  I don’t want to discount that there are sometimes very hard circumstance beyond our control that have led us to re-entry, but I also want you to experience the freedom that comes when we don’t feel like the solution to our feelings needs to come from a change in our circumstances or a person in our life.

When we feel stuck…it can be easy to question our choices…or explore other options.  We wonder if we should have done something differently.  We wonder if we make a career move or move to another country or change something about our current situation if that would make us feel more “settled” or less stuck.  A big life change like re-entry causes us to re-evaluate everything.  It’s not bad to consider a change of career or church or neighborhoods.  It may very well be a good choice.  Sometimes change can be the healthy next step, but I made the mistake of thinking that making a changes would make me feel better in re-entry.  It doesn’t typically work that way…it might provide some excitement…but it doesn’t often settle the deeper questions.  So be cautions of choices motivated by wanting to feel different.

So if you are feeling stuck, you may not actually be.   It may just be a season of waiting and readjusting and letting time do its healing work.

Other Thoughts On the “Middle Years”…Things That Helped Me.

We may never feel like our old self, but eventually you will find a new just as beautiful you.  It’s OK if we never go back to feeling like we did before {there is some grief in that}, but this season is about building a new you and a new normal that reflects the beauty of our unique journey.  I celebrate with you today the new you that you are becoming!  Some day you will wake up and be thankful for who that person is!  That has eventually been true for me.

Allow your hurt to be a catalyst of compassion for others who are living through hard seasons. The gift of the “middle year”s for me was to grow in my compassion for those who are walking through life’s transitions.  I know people who have found some encouragement in this season by actively looking for ways to encourage others.  For me it has been by volunteering with immigrant families or refugee families.  I know others who have created moms groups that have been helpful to them.

Believe God has not forgotten you!  Even if you don’t feel like it, He still knows your address.  That was so life-giving to me in my “middle years” season.  If you are angry or hurt, tell him!  He can take it.   It’s worth it do to the hard work of wrestling with God {if you need to} during this season.

Pay attention to the little things that bring you life.  Maybe they are only little moments, but when they come pay attention, and find ways to make those things more a part of your life.  Maybe it’s spending time with certain people, or working out at the gym, or whatever it is for you.  Here is permission to pursue those things that are life-giving to you!

If you’re dealing with depression, I am sorry.  It’s a real reality for some of us in re-entry.  Please ask for help.  It’s OK {even normal} if you are feeling that way, but please reach out to a professional who can guide you on that journey.

You can never go wrong using this season as a catalyst for growth.  You will never regret steps towards healing, rest, and wholeness.  Sometimes it’s in the seasons when we don’t know what else to do that we need to pursue these things the most.

Do not believe the lie that you will feel this way forever!  There are parts of this season that are not fun, but it is just a season.  I can’t tell you when it will end for you.  Maybe in 6 months or 10 years.  But I can tell you that one day you will wake up and realize that you are not in the “middle years” any more.  And you will be able to look back on this season as a time that you have grown as a person in ways you couldn’t have grown any other way.  Today I want to lend you my hope, and encourage you that you will not feel this way forever.